reality.

Here's the thing. Life as a teacher is hard.
Like really hard.
This last month there have been so many moments when I literally felt as if I was drowning.
There was no light anywhere and I didn't think I'd make it through the day let alone the weeks and months I had to go.

I've been working towards this my entire life. I planned my entire college career around this time. This moment. When I could have my own classroom.
When you finally get your dream you think it is going to be perfect and wonderful, and everything you ever dreamed of.
Then sometimes, it's not. The only way I can describe it is to borrow some words from good Mr. Seuss.

OH!
THE PLACES YOU'LL GO!

You'll be on your way up!
You'll be seeing great sights!
You'll join the high fliers
who soar to high heights.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be the best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don' t
Because, sometimes, you won't.

I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly, it's true
that Hang-ups and bang-ups
can happen to you.

You can get all hung up
in a prickle-ly perch.
And your gang will fly on.
You'll be left in a Lurch.

You'll come down from the Lurch
with an unpleasant bump.
And the chances are, then,
that you'll be in a Slump.

And when you're in a Slump,
you're not in for much fun.
Un-slumping yourself
is not easily done.

When I first started out I assumed I would be great. I assumed this would come as easily to me as it always has, and then things happened. I realized I wasn't as great as I thought I was. I realized I had a beck of a lot to learn. I began to drag and fall. I began to lose confidence in my self and if I could really handle it.
I felt like I was lost and couldn't see anyway out. People would ask me, "are you loving it!" And honestly I'm not sure if I could give them the answer they were looking for.

It's moments like this I'm grateful for the priesthood. I received a blessing from my cousin. It was a blessing of comfort and exactly what I needed. I thought the next day would be magnificent, but guess what it was still hard. But things have been getting better, and Thursday was my best day so far. I left that day remembering why I love teaching. I love that my kids are so dang funny. I love when something just clicks in their heads. I love when a lesson goes somewhere I never planned, but it ends up better then I could ever hope. I love when my kids think I'm funny. I love that they love me sometimes. I love that most of them are so eager to learn. I love when they draw me pictures. I love teaching them everyday. I love when I can bring in things that they love. I love just talking to them, they're hilarious.

Last night I was with Mrs. Dustin and we were catching up since she was visiting from Idaho and I had a realization. It's something I've been slowly realizing, but this was the first time I actually said it out loud to anyone.
Both my blessing from my father and my cousin talk about teaching as a path that I have chosen. I never looked at it that way. I always figured that it chose me. As I look back on my life I realize that this was something that Heavenly Father allowed me to decide on my own. I have full faith that he has backed me on this decision, but this was something that I decided all by myself. So really when I lose it I have no one to blame but me! ha! anyway in all seriousness it was a realization to me that my Heavenly Father trusts me enough to allow me to teach his precious little children. Its a huge weight, but one I am happily bearing. I don't know why he has entrusted me with these special little people, or why their parents trust me with them each day. But all these important people have confidence in me and that is a great reminder to me that I need to have confidence in myself.
I can do this. I can do this. I can do this.
It's my new life mantra.
love,
j