thankful. grateful. loved.

This year has been a trip. This month I've been keeping track on my phone of the little things I'm grateful for. 

Some repeat, but what can you do, clearly I'm very grateful for them. 

"An Attitude of Gratitude"

family

friends

the gospel

jesus christ

the atonement and the forgiveness that comes from it

pretty clothes

my apartment 

that i have a job that i actually love

21 cute kids who make me laugh

priesthood blessings

whoever invented dirty diet coke

yarn

fabric

books

movies

exercise

a healthy body

the knowledge that one day i will have everything i've ever dreamed of and everything i never thought to ask for 

my first grade team

pinterest

tv

conference talks

joann's

etsy 

quotes

the ability i have to make pretty things

animals

babies

holidays, especially christmas

music

target

owls

tender mercies

the moments i can look up at the sky and say "heavenly father, i saw what you did there, thanks"

the knowledge that life does move forward

first love and lessons learned

knowing what is actually important in life and what i need to look for in another person

faith

the fact that i haven't gotten married yet (even though it's what i've always wanted), BECAUSE this time on my own has turned me into a confident, independent and accomplished woman

the ability to see where i struggle and work on those things

weekends where i don't have to do anything

pineapple

peonies

fresh flowers in my house

the fact that my job comes easily to me

sparkles

scriptures

the way everything in the gospel is interconnected

sodalicious

the fact that no matter how discouraged i may get i can wake up each new morning renewed and with a new sense of purpose

beautiful clothes

master the tempest is raging

come thou fount

i know that my redeemer lives

inspirational stories

chapstick

a healthy body and active lifestyle

sugar

pumpkin cookies

that i teach 1st grade

children's books

buzzfeed

instagram

snap chat with my family

drawing

a huge bed

prayer

the fact that heavenly father always loves me even when i don't have enough faith, his faith in me never wavers

good tv

laughing 

first grade jokes

modern medicine

my mom

my unwavering belief in true love

netflix

things that seem like coincidences but i know are really heavenly father's hand in my life

best friends

first grade jokes

that dance breaks are a part of my job

teaching little people to read

hickory

the look in those little people's eyes when something finally makes sense

time with my momma

playing games with my family

that my family is all together 

love,

j

If I Should Have a Daughter.

I just couldn't say it better myself.

If I should have a daughter…“Instead of “Mom”, she’s gonna call me “Point B.” Because that way, she knows that no matter what happens, at least she can always find her way to me. And I’m going to paint the solar system on the back of her hands so that she has to learn the entire universe before she can say “Oh, I know that like the back of my hand.”

She’s gonna learn that this life will hit you, hard, in the face, wait for you to get back up so it can kick you in the stomach. But getting the wind knocked out of you is the only way to remind your lungs how much they like the taste of air. There is hurt, here, that cannot be fixed by band-aids or poetry, so the first time she realizes that Wonder-woman isn’t coming, I’ll make sure she knows she doesn’t have to wear the cape all by herself. Because no matter how wide you stretch your fingers, your hands will always be too small to catch all the pain you want to heal. Believe me, I’ve tried.

And “Baby,” I’ll tell her “don’t keep your nose up in the air like that, I know that trick, you’re just smelling for smoke so you can follow the trail back to a burning house so you can find the boy who lost everything in the fire to see if you can save him. Or else, find the boy who lit the fire in the first place to see if you can change him.”

But I know that she will anyway, so instead I’ll always keep an extra supply of chocolate and rain boats nearby, ‘cause there is no heartbreak that chocolate can’t fix. Okay, there’s a few heartbreaks chocolate can’t fix. But that’s what the rain boots are for, because rain will wash away everything if you let it.

I want her to see the world through the underside of a glass bottom boat, to look through a magnifying glass at the galaxies that exist on the pin point of a human mind. Because that’s how my mom taught me. That there’ll be days like this, “There’ll be days like this my momma said” when you open your hands to catch and wind up with only blisters and bruises. When you step out of the phone booth and try to fly and the very people you wanna save are the ones standing on your cape. When your boots will fill with rain and you’ll be up to your knees in disappointment and those are the very days you have all the more reason to say “thank you,” ‘cause there is nothing more beautiful than the way the ocean refuses to stop kissing the shoreline no matter how many times it’s sent away.

You will put the “wind” in win some lose some, you will put the “star” in starting over and over, and no matter how many land mines erupt in a minute be sure your mind lands on the beauty of this funny place called life.

And yes, on a scale from one to over-trusting I am pretty damn naive but I want her to know that this world is made out of sugar. It can crumble so easily but don’t be afraid to stick your tongue out and taste it.

“Baby,” I’ll tell her “remember your mama is a worrier but your papa is a warrior and you are the girl with small hands and big eyes who never stops asking for more.”

Remember that good things come in threes and so do bad things and always apologize when you’ve done something wrong but don’t you ever apologize for the way your eyes refuse to stop shining.

Your voice is small but don’t ever stop singing and when they finally hand you heartbreak, slip hatred and war under your doorstep and hand you hand-outs on street corners of cynicism and defeat, you tell them that they really ought to meet your mother.

-- Sarah Kay

daddy's little girl.

I bet you wish your dad liked to write poems and songs.
Especially when they're sentimental.
Especially when they're about you.
thanks daddy.

Dear Janelle -

When you were small
Yet only of few
You walked and you talked
And then you grew

We worked together
To tie your shoe
Then I blinked thrice
And again you grew

I loved watching you dance
And this much is true
I wept when you left
But loved how you grew

Now you’re on your own
You teach your small crew
I'm so proud of you
And how well you grew!

I love you my daughter
I love all that you do
I love you my daughter
I love how you grew!

It was wonderful having you home! We miss you already.

Daddy 

home.

Going home is the best remedy I can think of for any soul.
Going home is peace.
Going home is love.

I'm amazed every time I step through that door how instantly everything is right in the world, nothing can touch me.
Actually, if I'm being honest it happens before I step through the door.
It happens the moment I find the car I'm looking for on the curb at the Oakland airport.
This time it happened the moment my mother took me in her arms and gave me the biggest hug.
No gesture tells you that you are loved more than hugging another person and them not letting you let go.
Those are my favorite hugs.
The no-letting-go hugs.

Seriously home is the greatest.
Danville is my perfect retreat.
It is the place I can come and just for a little while escape the stresses of my life and feel like I belong and I'm perfectly happy.
I can go on walks with my mom, watch tv, go shopping, watch a lot of water polo
Do everything and nothing simultaneously.

I love my house, with all its quirks.
Whatever man I bring home better adore my crazy house.
Yes, we don't have a toilet roll holder that works.
Yes, to open that one drawer in the kitchen you have to open the oven.
Yes, we do step over Daisy to use the downstairs bathroom, please, try not to wake her.
Yes, every room revolves around a TV.
Yes, we're messy and silly.
Yes, our front yard is covered in themed decor, always.
Yes, I have to sleep at grandma's because there is no room for me.
Yes, the man I bring home will be sharing a bedroom with my little brother.

My family is a little quirky too.
Yes, we are very sarcastic.
Yes, my father will tell the same stories, often, but they're always funny.
Yes, he is also filled with a lot of random information that comes out as we drive a conservative 60 mph on the freeway.
And yes, he is the one person who is the most proud of me in the entire world.
Yes, my mom is my best friend.
Yes, I will spend more time with her than with anyone else if I am home.
Yes, she hates all major social events and will avoid them if possible.
Yes, she is probably the sweetest and most non-judgmental human being you will ever meet.
Yes, Shelby lives in her bed watching Dr. Who and writing.
Yes, Marissa is a jock, flirt, and comedian all wrapped up in a ball of adorableness.
Yes, Blake is the cutest little man who loves video games.
Yes, our house really does revolve around Hickory and Daisy, sorry, we love our dogs.

As you can see, I love every single thing about being home.
My family is fantastic.
There is an unconditional love here that I don't feel anywhere else.
I can honestly say that my parents love each of us in spite of any imperfection or downfall.
Growing up, and now, I know that no matter the decision I make, no matter if I succeed or fail, there are 5 people in this world (and the 2 dogs of course) who are going to ALWAYS love me.
That's something my family succeeds in.
Unconditional love.
My parents taught us to love fiercely over here at the Webb house.
Without question and without requirement.

6 weeks till Thanksgiving!

love,
j

Endurance.

General Conference. 

They say that if you pray before conference and really listen you will be able to find the answers you are seeking. 

I really took that to heart this conference. I really wanted the Spirit to tell me what I should do and how I should handle different aspects of my life. 

I was so excited to find my answers. 

Life is a funny thing. 

What did I hear over and over?

What resonated most with me?

Endurance. 

Endure it well.

No matter what you're asking for God will give you what you need. 

Be patient. 

All I could do was chuckle. 

Oh Heavenly Father, you do know me don't you. 

You know that what I still need to learn is patience. 

Patience, patience, patience. 

Also during conference I was flipping through my journal and I found this statement I wrote a few weeks ago:

Do you have faith? If you had enough faith in God you would realize he's in complete control of every situation in your life and he'd never do anything to intentionally hurt you. So if you can't believe that, you don't have enough faith.

Dang I can be brutal. 

Ha.

But seriously, that thought has resonated with me then and continues to bring me peace now.

It's all about having faith.

Faith in Heavenly Father. 

Everything in life will be perfect, you just have to have a little patience. 

This is the poem President Monson used in his talk that I just love. I feel like it really sums up conference for me. 

Good Timber
The tree that never had to fight
For sun and sky and air and light,
But stood out in the open plain
And always got its share of rain,
Never became a forest king
But lived and died a scrubby thing.

The man who never had to toil
To gain and farm his patch of soil,
Who never had to win his share
Of sun and sky and light and air,
Never became a manly man
But lived and died as he began.

Good timber does not grow with ease:
The stronger wind, the stronger trees;
The further sky, the greater length;
The more the storm, the more the strength.
By sun and cold, by rain and snow,
In trees and men good timbers grow.

Where thickest lies the forest growth,
We find the patriarchs of both.
And they hold counsel with the stars
Whose broken branches show the scars
Of many winds and much of strife.
This is the common law of life.

love,
j

To you, with love.

A letter

Dear…

I’m back! Did ya miss me!

I know I know it’s been forever. I apologize. I’ve avoided looking at this blog because I realized I had so much to say and didn’t know how I was going to say it.

I think I was afraid to put anything on here for fear of jinxing my life, and then I was too scared to write anything because I didn’t ever want to sound like a sad mess.

So now that I’ve hit a point of feeling almost back to my old, sassy, independent self it’s time to come back.

I’m also feeling very honest.

Cliff notes version?

I fell in love, for the first time, hard.

It was amazing, wonderful, everything it’s supposed to be.
Until it wasn’t anymore.

Until it ended.

Suddenly and without warning.

After a week of ugly crying I spent most of spring throwing myself into my job so I wouldn’t think about how unhappy I was, and then the school year ended.

I was smacked in the face with all this time and all my emotions.

I didn’t know how to deal with everything I was feeling, missing and regretting. So I did what any normal human would do I started making EVERYTHING (wait….is that not normal?). You name a craft or something on Pinterest and I probably made it. Quilts, skirts, paintings, crocheted blankets, doodles etc. I also went on a few too many shopping trips. I realized I was trying to soothe my soul with pretty things and keep my mind occupied.

Honestly, I don’t think any of these things are bad things. I think it’s just what I needed to do. I needed all of that stuff to keep me going.

I

 also spent a lot of time going to the temple.

One day I realized something that altered this spiral I was on.

“You can only control you. You can’t make him come back, you can’t make him say sorry, you can’t make someone new show up at your door.”

If you know me at all you know I am a control freak. I love to be in control of everything. I think it’s part of the reason I succeed at my job, but it’s also my biggest downfall. My need to control situations leads me to feeling so out of whack when things get turned up-si-down.

This was the point that I decided to make a list of everything in my life I could control, it looked something like this…

1.    My spiritual self. Am I reading the scriptures every day? Am I saying my morning and evening prayers? Am I becoming the person I want to be when I get married?

2.    My body. Am I working out every day? Do I look the way I want to look? Do I really need to eat that, does it make me feel any better? (Thank goodness for a fantastic personal trainer who is seriously changing my life)

3.    The efforts I put into my relationships with the people who love me and are always supporting my (even when I’m a hot mess, seriously though that’s when the true friends come out)

4.    My job. Will I give these new students 100% of me? My love, my time, my concern, my abilities, everything.

With this new outlook I looked forward to the new school year and what it could bring.

Now, don’t get me wrong, anyone who has loved and lost knows that there are always bad days, but it’s when the good days start to really outweigh the bad that you realize that life is finally moving forward.

Now you know, when you’re finally feeling kind of back on your feet, Heavenly Father decides it’s time for another curveball. Or three.

Seriously though, this summer has been my education in the Lord’s timing.

Cue August.

Almost had to switch grade levels right before school started, more than once.

Issues of the heart come back and smack me, again.

Unwelcome surprises with my family.

Stress of the new school year.

I literally would just pray at night to help me make it though another day because I sometimes didn’t know if my little body and mind could handle all of the things that were coming.

This was the point that I asked myself why in the world I had stayed in Utah this summer. When I started dating the boy and thinking he was my future I thought maybe it was because of him, it all made perfect sense. Then things ended, and I still felt I should stay, but why?

Why stay here and be alone when I could run home and hide from the world.

Why?

Because it’s running away from my life, and I’m too dang old to do that. I’m a grown woman (most days) I have a job, a career and a life here, I needed to stay.

But more importantly I needed to stay because  I needed to have one of the defining spiritual summers of my life. I needed to learn how to rely on spiritual strength and love to get me through and not the physical support of earthly family and friends. Basically, I needed to learn to put all my trust in the Lord and KNOW that he will provide for me, instead of putting all my trust and faith in myself and my mother and ignoring him.

“Faith in the Lord includes Faith in His timing”

That has been my motto this summer.

Every spiritual experience I’ve had in my life has always been “in the moment” come, made a huge impact, and then gone. This summer was definitely one of the refining fires of my life and I hope I’ve come out of it a little bit shinier.

This is something I’m still working on daily. I struggle and succeed, but my personal relationship with my Savior is something I would never trade, even though I had to wage through a lot of tears to get there.

This new school year has been interesting.
I have a class of 5 girls and15 boys who are a little immature and literally drain the life out of me everyday.

BUT they are, of course, the cutest. They make me laugh so hard while simultaneously stressing me out. It’s insanity. I’ve always said I just wanted girls, or at least a girl first, but maybe Heavenly Father is prepping me for life with a bunch of boys.  

They are a hoot. I’m sure my year will continue to be filled with great stories, come ask me if you want to hear about some of them.

Oh life.

Are there things I wish I could change, yes.

Are there things I wish were different, of course.

Do I still hope for the future, always.

Love,

j

Family.

What better way to start the new year then with a post full of beautiful pictures of my favorite people. My amazing family!

Due to my constant harassing of my parents and Susannah Neal at See Jane Snap Photography we finally got some new family photos after 2 years!

Even though it was freezing and we all were cuddling for warmth I think they turned out fantastic!

I love figuring out what everyone should wear and getting all dressed up. 

And Susannah is fantastic at making every feel and look great.

 We re-created out favorite photo from our last shoot with Sooz.

 What happens when you tell us to all tickle each other.

 My favorite girls.

 Such handsome men.

 My wonderful parents. They are the greatest.

 Thoughtful.

 Beautiful.

 Sassy.

 Handsome.

 Fantastic four siblings.

 Check out my hott momma! She is gorgeous.

My amazing family.